Diagnosed 5 years ago. This brings back a lot of memories. (Long post)

I wasn't sure if I was going to write anything today or not.  But I figure I might as well keep my page active, because once I start slacking... it's over!  :-)

Five years ago, I received the call that I had breast cancer.  It was one of the worst, scariest and loneliest days I've ever had.  I've had a couple of doozies since then, but this one was up there in rank.

I had sat through the weekend, wondering what that call would bring.  I had a feeling it wasn't good though.  You don't have pain like that, in one place, for that long, without it being something significant.

My ex-mother-in-law had breast cancer a year before.  It was a nightmare.  She had stage IV and it had spread to her lymph nodes.  I watched her endure a mastectomy, sat with her during chemo and drove her to radiation.  I also watched her lose her mind.  She was always pretty frail, but when she found out she had cancer, she literally lost her mind.  She went from a working, functioning woman to a zombie and a shell of herself.  She put on a bathrobe that night and she became almost catatonic.  Her sister had died from breast cancer that had been treated but returned in a different location.  (Anytime you have breast cancer, even if it's treated and in "remission", any cancer you ever have after that will always be considered a metastatic cancer, stemming from the breast.  Ali was a great woman, and had died of lung cancer that spread to her brain, after having been in remission for about 2 or 3 years.)  My MIL (mother-in-law) took her diagnosis as a death sentence.  That was one thing that I knew I didn't want to have happen to me.  The diagnosis affected her mind so much, and the subsequent chemo, that she never returned to work and ended up institutionalized for a while.  Chemo is no joke and she barely made it through. MIL is still alive, and cancer free as far as we all know. From what I understand, she's doing pretty well from a mental standpoint.  Her reaction was a rare, but known effect of the chemo.  I think she also had a breakdown though, when faced with the same thing that took her sister.  I think that's why when she went to the doctor, the tumors were multiple and very large.  I think she was just in denial. 

I remember when Dr. Gardner laid it on me.  She and I had a rapport immediately at the cancer center and I really liked her.  She thought my positivity was "wonderful and inspiring".  She probably didn't know I was falling apart though. I asked her what happens now, and she explained that the Komen foundation that had done my testing would cover the surgery that I was going to need because at the time I was uninsured, and that she wanted me to meet with a surgeon there within the week.  She gave me the names of a couple of surgeons, and told me to pick.  She said the name Douglas Reintgen, and I stopped her and said I would take him.  I knew who he was, because he was the director at one of the major cancer centers that I had done transcription for.  He also helped develop the sentinel lymph node mapping technique that would be used. 

For the record, my tumor was 2.5 cm, and it was an invasive ductal carcinoma.  It was also called a "triple negative" cancer, which is a particularly aggressive type.  And yes, the lump grew very fast.  The pain was there long before the lump... and then the lump became detectable and grew to 2.5 cm quickly.  

She helped get me lined up for that a few days later, and she had me come in that day to apply for Medicaid because at the time I was the only adult in the household, and I was providing for two children, one of which wasn't even mine.  I qualified, but I hadn't even applied before because I was always healthy.  So, they would cover anything that Komen didn't.  Mainly chemo, if I was to need it.  That's one thing Komen doesn't do, but they cover radiation.

Anyway... what I remember most about that day was that I was alone at the house... and that's how I would stay.  My now ex-husband was locked up because of his stupid pain pill addiction.  My mom was never a real mom, and I didn't want her around because she would make things worse.  My husband's family was no real help because his mom was still a total wreck, and so I didn't even seek them out for help.  I just knew that I had three kids to think about.  My son, who was 7, my other son who was 12, and my step-daughter who was 10.  I couldn't let myself become like my MIL, and I wouldn't let them see that happen to me anyway.  I talked to a friend online, and I called my niece and told her.  She came home for lunch break and sat with me.  We were pretty inseparable back then, and she was very helpful to me during all of this.  We all had myspace back then, but there was nothing like statuses or anything.  I talked to a friend in Orlando.  But that's about it.  I really just felt completely alone.  I had no idea what was going to happen.  Was I going to need a mastectomy?  I didn't want that.  I was only 32, and my chest was always a part of me I never had issue with.  I didn't want to go bald.  I had really long, dark hair and everyone liked it.  I was thinking of things like vanity.  I was trying not to think about the fact that I could die, and my kids would lose their mom.

I know that had this happened now, instead of 5 years ago, I wouldn't have a moments peace because I have reconnected with so many people from the past, and made so many new friends, even if they are spread out across the country.

That was when I decided that I was going to go through with my plans for a divorce.  I had said I was going to, because if i was going to go through this alone... I might as well not have him as a husband.  A husband should be by his wife's side though something like that.  He chose drugs over his wife and kids.  Now I was choosing to fight, but I would fight alone, because of him.

I had to talk to my kids that night and tell them that this was going on.  It wasn't easy to do because they had watched their grandmother's downward spiral.  They wanted to know if I was going to get sick like her, and I knew what they meant.  I told them I was going to do everything I could not to let that happen, and that I would fight really hard to stay strong.  My niece came over to be with me while I told them, and the girl that was my former sister-in-law.  Then, after we talked and cried and decided we would win this... we ordered some pizza, turned on a movie and we all vegged out together.  I had a great dog back then too...

So that's mostly how I remember this day in 2007.  It started the fight.  I can say that I was very blessed that it was not more advanced, but I still have to live with it for the rest of my life, and I will always worry if I might pass it on to my daughter.  (She didn't even exist back then.  So much has changed since then.)

If you read all of this... comment below and you will be entitled to 5 Emjay points! They're like brownie points, but no calories!  :-D